big fat hairy mental hiccups

the happier you are

2011-07-26T01:28:00.002+08:00

the harder the fall.

i cannot believe this is happening. i just can't believe it. but it is. i have been so, so happy. but it was an intricate web of lies. he put in so much time, so much effort, just to lie to me, to make me so happy. fake identity, fake job, fake emails, fake e-tickets, fake colleagues, fake perfection.

no money ever changed hands. what did he get out of this?

i don't know how to pick myself up after this one.

the page

2011-03-12T21:48:00.001+08:00

is about to turn.

why

2011-03-09T22:53:00.002+08:00

are so many men incapable of timely replies to emails or texts? is it because of the difference in priority? that women always place family and loved ones above all else, while men focus more on work?

十七年

2011-02-11T02:24:00.001+08:00

还是走不出来。

i diddit

2011-02-05T05:19:00.002+08:00

i did something i've been wanting to do for a few years. i told someone something. and it feels really good to finally get it off my chest. come what may.

games

2011-01-01T23:09:00.001+08:00

are for children.

correction

2010-12-28T02:28:00.001+08:00

i hate men who don't know what they really want.

and sometimes

2010-12-28T02:27:00.001+08:00

i really hate men.

sometimes

2010-12-28T02:26:00.002+08:00

i don't know why i bother.

murphy's law

2010-11-26T22:09:00.006+08:00

when you stop looking, it comes looking for you.

interesting times

2010-11-18T17:18:00.002+08:00

are up ahead. :)

btw, i have no idea why but there is a FLOOD of new readers here. hi! i'm sorry, this is a really quiet and boring place. i literally post hiccups from my brain. they don't usually make sense to owners of other brains. thank you for reading! :)

不想了

2010-11-05T23:25:00.001+08:00

我累了！

不知道为什么

2010-10-21T21:10:00.000+08:00

总是想起你。

so

2010-05-22T04:38:00.003+08:00

i am going to vancouver in july. for three weeks.

i hear it is very much like melbourne. i hope it's true. because it could possibly be my next place of residence.

ps. i am absolutely amazed that there are still people reading this blog. :)

wait & see

2010-01-10T01:21:00.002+08:00

let's just see how it goes, shall we?

2010 might be very interesting...

happy new year! to the handful of people still reading this space. :)

christmas eve

2009-12-24T16:46:00.002+08:00

this is, i believe, the nicest christmas i've ever had in my life so far. :)

despite fighting a sore throat, trying not to succumb to fever, and worrying about a certain someone who suddenly went on radio silence for two days, i am most blessed this christmas than any other before. i have a sister, ten thousand miles away, and i know she loves me.

:)

scarred

2009-10-08T04:38:00.002+08:00

so i have a scar the size of a caesarean section.

i also have a mental scar slightly larger than the above.

two scars, months apart, from different sources, for different reasons.

one physical, one mental.

one from a surgeon, one from a loved one.

thankfully, the cause of the latter did not result in another physical scar of the year.

are there any more, 2009?

on the table again

2009-04-28T03:16:00.001+08:00

the operation table, that is.

this time is a tad scarier than the last.

15 may 2009.

wow

2008-10-26T05:34:00.002+08:00

i never knew you were such a superficial person. really, all that matters is just the facade, isn't it? i'm a little disappointed in you, i must say. even though i'm not part of the picture, nor do i want to be anymore. you asked for advice, and i gave it. i gave it objectively.

and i meant it when i wished you all the best.

meh

2008-10-05T06:05:00.000+08:00

i don't need a man who behaves like my boyfriend only when no one else is around.

tofu

2008-10-03T02:27:00.002+08:00

once again, i have to remind myself that i am not made of tofu.

ahem

2008-03-21T06:48:00.000+08:00

*waves at the two people who are still checking this space everyday*

:D

panic

2007-08-18T06:35:00.000+08:00

she is dead. just like that. from the time she'd found out till the last breath she'd taken, was only a span of three months.

three short months.

i have been a silly girl. i cannot be skipping my follow-ups. i cannot convince myself that i am fine. i cannot run away anymore.

*slaps self*

come on. pick your guts off the floor. you're not made of tofu.

...

she was so beautiful. i didn't know her well, but she was so beautiful.

perhaps

2007-06-13T03:54:00.000+08:00

i am a little warped.

when it rains

2007-06-09T02:02:00.000+08:00

it fucking pours.

i spent all of last night fighting off a very suave, very dashing, very cute playboy. one other dude was insisting on sending me home (which i wriggled out of) and some other people have popped out of nowhere suddenly to make contact.

my world is a little weird right now. i kinda just feel like hiding in my safe corner, where i've been happily sitting for awhile. all this attention is a little overwhelming.

a spanner

2007-06-08T10:04:00.000+08:00

in the works?

hmm

2007-06-07T04:23:00.000+08:00

he is five years younger.

you know what problems that will mean, don't you?

he is canadian.

he won't be able to communicate with the fogies. now that is a big, big problem, isn't it?

is it?

i've been silly enough to take on two jobs, so i haven't had time to mull over this much. it's in the back of my head, but i haven't decided to make a decision yet.

jury's still out on this one. in fact, jury has taken a time-out on this one...

scribbles

2007-05-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

i just want to say, google and blogger combining = donkey's balls.

hairy ones too.

being in a hot and humid country puts me in a bad mood 53 minutes out of every hour.

fear of the unknown?

2007-03-08T16:22:00.000+08:00

quite the contrary.

what is it about a mystery that makes it so enticing? when you know less, you imagine more. that's not very healthy. then you build an unrealistic imagery in your head and you're usually headed for disappointment.

tsk tsk.

argh

2007-02-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i felt like this.

i don't like this. i don't like it at all.

*smacks self in the head*

snap outta it, stupid!

:)

2007-01-31T22:50:00.000+08:00

i have a smile on my face and i can't wipe it off.

meh

2007-01-15T04:22:00.000+08:00

i think i'm too smart for my own good sometimes. i poke around and then i find out too much. perhaps i would be happier if i didn't know so much.

gotta rinse out the bad taste in my mind now.

bleah.

in the lead

2006-12-09T05:11:00.000+08:00

crayon is (suddenly) in singapore.

it seems we're still tuned to the same wavelength.

:)

very much so.

i knew it

2006-12-08T01:33:00.000+08:00

chalk and cheese are as different as...

chalk and cheese.

flying in

2006-12-01T14:06:00.000+08:00

chalk is on a flight right now. coming here.

:)

crayon

2006-10-27T19:08:00.000+08:00

an old flame has become a very dear friend, over the span of the last few years. this is the only man i know who would make an effort to apologise for his wrongdoings, to the women he has let down in the past. this is the only man i know who is good friends with all of his ex-girlfriends, and is sincere about maintaining a great friendship. crayon is currently residing in australia.

in other news, the whiteboard marker has turned out to be on a different planet from cheese. conversations with whiteboard marker have failed to entertain cheese very much at all... sometimes, whiteboard marker would ask questions which have been answered, twice before. cheese is simply unable to tune in to the same wavelength. nope, not into whiteboard culture. all those synthetic fumes can't be good for you.

in other other news, chalk almost made it to singapore for a visit. almost.

a day for meat

2006-10-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

i've booked a table for 6, for 14th october (saturday) 7pm.

1. yours truly
2. mercermachine
3. expat @ large
4. indiana jones
5. virgin porn star
6. machineboy

les bouchons is located @ 7 ann siang road.

prep your tummies for all-you-can-eat fuckin' excellent fries!

:)

another chalk

2006-09-23T05:58:00.000+08:00

let's call him - (whiteboard) marker.

which kinda makes sense. chalk is 37 years old. marker is 30. heh. chalks are older than markers, yes. and have been in use for a longer time.

hehehehehe.

sorry, i haven't been my naturally corny self for awhile now.

well, cheese and marker have recently started regular correspondence, despite first contact about a year ago. it became quickly apparent that they are as different as night and day. however, contrary to chalk who used to try to convince cheese that chalk and cheese are wonderfully alike, marker seems to embrace the differences.

still early days. we shall see.

dinner vote

2006-09-21T22:51:00.000+08:00

i have been put in charge of organising a dinner gathering for bloggers by [mercermachine], incident documented right [here]. :p

i guess it was silly posting the options via comments, which would probably cause a lot of mess, so i'll do this here:

can interested peeps coming to the dinner please vote for any of the below? new suggestions are also welcome. :)

my tried&tested haunts:

[seafood]

[chinese]

[japanese skewers]

[posh italian]

[great value french steak&fries] (please ignore mushy drivel before the actual food pics and brief description)

new spots i've yet to try:

[wild rocket]

[ps cafe] (such a *ahem* useful link)
[chubbyhubby on ps cafe]

[iggy's] (another 'useful' link)
[chubbyhubby on iggy's]

who's coming?

:)

ghost town

2006-09-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

it has come to my attention that this silly little writing pad of mine has been getting more traffic, and i just want to say - sorry it's such a ghost town in here. this blog wasn't meant for garnering viewership, it's just somewhere for me to say all the things i don't say in the [canyon]. you could say the [canyon]'s my public life while this is my private one.

that said, not much happens in here because i'm still an editor at heart despite leaving the industry for a few years now. the [canyon] is where i satisfy my publishing urges to put out snippets of my life composed with pictures and words just the way i like them. a magazine of my life. :) my digital scrapbook of memories.

so that's where all my spare time goes.

once in awhile, i get the urge to rant a little, and that's when i'll come here. :) some ranting also happens in the [canyon]. i'm actually pretty candid on there anyway (there are locked posts for only people on my list to view though, so sign up for a free livejournal account if you're curious). i'm also naturally more vocal there in general, i guess i'm just more used to writing there.

readers of the [canyon] do not necessarily know of this place (except for a select few), and i prefer to keep it that way. i don't want people to try to find out who i am inside, after looking at the glossy part of my life. that's not what i want. you can go from in to out, but not from out to in.

of course, the ones who have clicked on my linked friends from the [canyon], seen my comments, clicked on my profile and discovered this place after all, deserve to find me here for being smart or just plain lucky. :)

seedy

2006-09-18T04:58:00.000+08:00

not from alcohol, but from antibiotics.

currently nursing a sore throat and fever. sigh. methinks my whole group of babes have caught the germs from one of our galpals who has been sick for awhile.

tsk.

earlier bedtime for me today!

sunrise

2006-09-14T07:09:00.000+08:00

before my bedtime.

this is such a strange yet familiar scene. the sun has just risen, the birds are chirping, and i am listening to the sounds of the world waking up. it will be my bedtime soon.

i can find no words to describe this carefree, aimless nonchalance. this feeling of not having to be anywhere, while the world rushes to get on its feet and face the day's obligations and duties.

while i...

i am free.

:)

grrr

2006-08-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

i am extremely pissed off.

[WTF]

teething problems

2006-08-01T00:07:00.000+08:00

dental surgery tomorrow 10:30am.

:s

decision

2006-07-22T18:40:00.000+08:00

is made.

i didn't think i would arrive at this so quickly. but he has unwittingly pushed me on to it. he has done an own goal.

timeout

2006-07-08T01:23:00.000+08:00

cheese is taking a two-week break from the refrigerator to chill out (haw haw) and have some quiet time to herself to sort out her thoughts. much objection was expressed, but cheese would not be swayed from her course.

it wasn't an easy decision. all cheeses have feelings, you know. and so do chalks. though chalks seem to be much less emotional than cheeses.

a wish

2006-07-06T00:43:00.000+08:00

would clarity please find me?

differences

2006-06-30T13:44:00.000+08:00

perhaps cheese wasn't as different from chalk as it seemed in the past, and different cheeses may have greater differences instead. can the cheeses reach a compromise?

absence

2006-05-29T21:22:00.000+08:00

does make the heart grow fonder.

it's terrible, isn't it? that it takes something like absence to remind us of how precious something is?

strangers

2006-04-29T16:01:00.000+08:00

we're like strangers when we fight.

it is such an amazing change, isn't it? all the good stops, and all the bad starts. ears close, minds shut down, and the hurt takes over. i tried not to throw daggers at you this time... but stood there for you to throw yours at instead.

:)

2006-04-28T01:40:00.000+08:00

cheese has found the other cheese.

chalk took the news very well. with some regret, for sure, and requested for a promise to remain pals.

gladly promised.

the refrigerator is a happy place.

surgery

2006-04-25T12:47:00.000+08:00

are all operating theatres so cold?

i don't really want to find out. :)

sedation was really comfortable... i was surprised. i guess it helped that i couldn't feel the pain when i woke up, since the painkillers hadn't worn off. i slept so well... plain darkness when i closed my eyes, a cosy room when i opened them, and nothing in between.

all the nurses were really motherly. my doctor was a calm tower of confidence, with a wise smile and kind eyes. i am very grateful.

recovery will take place slowly over the next 6-8 weeks, and another test is to be done in 3 months to confirm that the problem has been solved.

and if it is, all is not over yet, as there is another problem afoot. another round of tests and treatment is on the cards in the future, once this hurdle is crossed.

one hurdle at a time.

monday

2006-04-22T15:02:00.000+08:00

what will it bring?

...

2006-03-17T00:25:00.000+08:00

she just managed to make me cry, my own mother did.

my health report came back. some bad news. which may possibly turn into more bad news after i am monitored for a month.

she laughed and said i'm being stupid.

she actually laughed at my blood test results.

i am quite in disbelief.

it's a fine line

2006-03-12T01:13:00.000+08:00

between love and hatred.

do i know when enough is enough?

when does faith become stupidity?

i wish there was a formula to apply.

games are for children.

and i am tired.

see

2006-03-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

i knew it would come to this.

i hardly have time to breathe and sleep, am struggling to keep the canyon updated (it's still lagging by a week and a half) and my arm is beginning to get used to muscle strain from typing and mousing too much.

but i still like talking to myself, so this blog stays.

chalk and cheese

2006-02-22T02:03:00.000+08:00

what happens when chalk and cheese try to co-exist?

imagine a piece of chalk trying to live in the dairy compartment of the refrigerator. what is it going to do there? with no board to scribble on, no charts to draw, no powdery floors to roll around in. instead, the air is damp all the time, and artificial light flickers on and off at random. it is dark most of the time. and it is cold at all times. chalk begins to feel soggy from the condensation going on constantly. slowly, it might disintegrate into nothing...

now, how about the cheese moving to the chalkboard instead? regardless of what kind of cheese it is, it is probably not going to last very long outside of the refrigerator. however, if it is brie or camembert, it will perish even faster. chalk powder will also stick to the cheese in uncomfortable clumps, and the poor cheese will be too polite to try and get them off (even if it was possible to).

cheese might try to join in the local activities of writing on the chalkboard. it will then smear itself all over and ruin the playground for everyone. chalk and cheese may even fall out over this.

one might argue that leaving cheese intact with its white wax coating will allow it to sit amongst the chalk powder with chalk quite happily. but come on! who's going to let a nice piece of cheese stay like that forever? surely it must be sliced and enjoyed?

can chalk and cheese ever reach a compromise?

or perhaps, some things are just not meant to be?

how

2006-02-21T13:26:00.000+08:00

the hell do ants get into an air-tight container?

o.o

hmph

2006-02-18T01:54:00.000+08:00

i am in love with exasperation.

bah!

worried

2006-02-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

22 hospitalised.

i hope you're not one of them.

please respond soon.

why

2006-02-12T15:30:00.000+08:00

is blogspot so much more complicated than livejournal?

there is so much more bullshit going on. you get weirdos (with names like The Guru) leaving comments. politics and flame wars and shit-slinging.

freedom of speech is abused.

i have always enjoyed healthy interaction on my livejournal, and i have yet to screen or delete any comments there since the birth of my first entry. true, there are strange people there too but none have posted anything truly distasteful.

i was an editor, and will always be one at heart. blame my roots, but i do not appreciate having my publications stained with crass remarks. as much as i approve of freedom of anything, this is my thinking space and i would like to keep it clean. clean content, clean comments.

autocracy? no freedom of speech?

well, if someone comes into your house and takes a dump on your floor, will you throw this asshat out? will you also leave the shit on the floor, or will you clean it up and move on?

this blog is not written for an audience. i am not aiming for hits on my counter or ads. it is a collection of my thoughts, though anyone is welcome to read and share. i don't enjoy flame wars online, flame me face to face if you want. flame me here, and i will simply throw the shit out and disinfect the area. no biggie.

a million thoughts

2006-02-12T01:52:00.001+08:00

running through my mind.

i dream of my other home very often. sometimes on consecutive nights, sometimes twice a week, sometimes once a week. always crystal clear, everytime.

i expect no one to make sense of the following, or even to finish reading it. because these are memories of my home in fragments. extremely disjointed fragments. in fact, i would discourage you from reading it because i believe you'll find it extremely boring.

the clang of trams and the crisp cool air. the slanted shadows in my pitched roof bedroom. the stream of sunlight through my tall glass doors. the feel of smooth timber as i clamber down my tiny spiral staircase. patting the life-sized pikachu on the head as i pass it on the stairs. the chill of a wintry morning through my flannel PJ's, as i heat up various contraptions in my kitchenette to make breakfast. the whirr of my oven, the glowing red ring of my electric stove, the hum of the exhaust fan. curling my finger into each metal ring which were the handles to my cabinet doors. flicking on the teevee for the morning news while feasting on bacon, eggs, mushrooms, baby spinach and potatoes. making my couch the way i make my bed, everyday. doing laundry daily even though i lived alone. shrinking my clothes in my dryer for a perfect fit. cleaning the lint (ok, i'm weird like that. i find it really fun). the rumble of the dryer as my home warms up a notch at the same time. being rudely jolted everytime the damned (loud) doorbell rings. the little square of heaven that is the skylight in my bathroom. watching rain/hail on the skylight in my bathroom. wondering when the bird shit will get washed away from the skylight in my bathroom. showering in the hottest water i could ever wish for, from a hugeass shower head like a rain-sprinkler in the strongest jets i ever wanted. stepping out of the shower cubicle into my heated bathroom. the feel of my bath mat as i curl my wet toes on it. doing sit-ups with my feet hooked under my futon bed. sliding the mirrored doors of my built-in wardrobe. climbing five flights of stairs everyday (each way) because my building had no lift. buying three weeks' groceries at a time and climbing five flights of stairs with them. the first time my roof leaked from my balcony upstairs into my lounge downstairs. sitting on my couch watching water droplets hit the basin. wondering if my neighbour downstairs was leaking too. flopping on my bed pretending i wasn't home when the neighbours came a-knocking. sitting in my beanbag corner staring at the blue lava in my lamp. peering up at the sky from that particular angle from the furry blue beanbag, or the reverse direction from my futon bed. watching the way the stars twinkle before i close my eyes for the night. my cloth blinds. the glow of my paper star lamp in the dark of the night. my bear's face against my cheek. springcleaning every saturday. picking hair out religiously from the carpet every saturday. wiping my timber floors by hand every saturday before i bought a mop. the pile of shoes under my spiral staircase. my beautiful french windows, and the friendly tree right outside. watching the city from my favourite window. the elephant and wheelbarrow opposite. echoes of laughter from strangers in the street. the glow of the blue ring on my JVC. using a crappy desk, sitting on a crappy chair, and tapping away on a crappy laptop for four years. staring into space as the 33.6 modem does its very best. cordless phone battery going flat often when i needed a long convo. cooking dinner. the simpson's at 6pm. all the evening programs after that. working my ass off while covering the coffee table with papers and dictionaries. watching the leaves wave at me from outside the windows. trying to do a pull-up while dangling between my first and second floors. watching my best pal try to do the same (and failing). having friends over for dinner. having friends over for tea. having friends over for parties that went on from thursday to sunday. sometimes monday. flopping around in blue furry house slippers. the sound i make from flopping around in blue furry house slippers. my full-sized refrigerator. filling up my full-sized refrigerator. keeping my fingers crossed daily that my $50 washing machine would troop on for just another day. fresh laundry. fresh bedsheets. washing dishes, pots and pans in the best sink ever. long-distance calls from mother. breaking down the barriers and becoming friends over that turquoise telephone. falling asleep on the couch and getting sleep paralysis. learning to overcome sleep paralysis by myself. leaving that little gap in the balcony door. closing that gap eventually and locking it up. vaccuuming the carpets with my little sharkvac. wearing my 'cooking jacket'. wriggling cold feet and hands in front of the heater. being wrapped like a cocoon in my feather and down doona. my futon bed missing two pieces, making it the lowest futon bed in the world. moving in from across the street in the dead of the night. stepping into the apartment for the first time for a viewing that was to change my life forever. setting eyes on the home i fell in love with, at first sight.

when i stood in the empty apartment, before it became my home, i knew. as i skipped across the timber floors of the first level to peer out of the nearest french window, i knew. when i peeked into the cosy attic bedroom atop the tiniest spiral staircase, i knew.

i knew this was where i could live forever.

a challenge

2006-02-11T03:38:00.000+08:00

are you going to make me?

i'm looking forward to the answer. so many possibilities for an answer. maybe i should re-affirm a coupla previous offers. or maybe, it is almost time for me to head on back to where i call home.

is it time?

i am so dying to go back. yet, i know i am not ready to.

bah

2006-02-10T11:28:00.000+08:00

what the fuck is wrong with cabbies who refuse to change lanes? i went from home to work in the same lane, goddamnit. took an extra ten minutes, it did. and 2bux more.

the sms

2006-02-05T13:38:00.000+08:00

my mobile bleeped at the crack of dawn today.

through a fog of sleepiness, i fumbled and peered at my black/white ancient dinosaurus mobile screen with bleary eyes.

random alphabets running along in lines slowly fell into coherence in the fuzziness of my head. i blinked, scrolled back, and re-read it again.

and again.

nothing could wipe the smile off my face after that. i did nothing but smile from ear to ear for a good half an hour. when i fell back into sleep, i went as a cheshire cat.

:)

blood

2006-02-04T15:00:00.000+08:00

on my mother's hands. :[

she told me she had scraped some skin off her finger while hanging out the laundry, and had a band-aid on. before going out to her choir session, she asked me for some antiseptic cream as she wanted to change the plaster. i took a bottle of antiseptic alcohol, cotton squares and antiseptic cream to her, when she said she didn't clean the wound earlier. when the plaster came off, i was shocked. it was a deep, gaping wound and a lot of blood. i immediately demanded that we go to the doctor's and she flat refused. i cleaned it as well as i could, applied the cream, and then a fresh plaster. walked back to my room to put everything back while feeling very disturbed. put things down, turned back out and told her again why i think she should go to the doctor's. she dismissed it, changed the subject to her new shoes, aren't-they-pretty, not-to-worry-i'll-be-fine... and off she went.

:[

i'm going to call dad.

squint

2006-02-04T00:15:00.000+08:00

it's only just past midnight and i'm beat.

amazing what ten minutes of breakneck-skipping can do every morning. i'm bright-eyed when i rock up to work, and pound away at tedious chores right away. no fiddling, no wasting of time, no counting of fluffy clouds outside the glass panels. breakfast is consumed on my way in and finished before i even reach the office. thus, lunch is munched down at a much earlier time. ditto for dinner.

ten minutes of skipping has quite effectively tuned my body clock to a more or less normal routine. everything is advanced by two hours.

wicked.

which means my bedtime is no longer 2am. or later.

the cherry on top is that i have been sleeping very well.

:)

good night, world!

hello?

2006-02-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

can i lie to myself anymore if i was this worried? and still am?

maybe we both needed something as severe as this to push ourselves into emotional clarity. maybe it was exactly what we needed.

can he lie to himself anymore as well then? maybe, that is just how he is.

the moment of truth is near.

a staring incident

2006-02-02T00:03:00.000+08:00

i glared at a young punk today. twice in fact.

(singlish speak: i siong ah beng two times today!)

not at two different young punks, mind you. i eyeballed daggers at the same one, twice. this said punk had just taken a seat behind mine on the bus, one bus-stop away from where i was to alight. he proceeded to prop his fat leg up against my seat and jolted it merrily and very unnecessarily. i gave him a mild glare as i got my transitlink card out from my bag, and he turned to his pal beside him and told him that i glared at him (ah beng speak: "aye, she tiao me leh!"). to which i immediately turned around and looked at him in open disdain, before getting out of my seat and off the bus.

of course it did occur to me that staring incidents with dumbass punks like these often end in tears (or broken arms, missing fingers, or a knife in the back/head). nothing much i can do about that now. but in case you are that stupid boy i glared at today, i dare you to attack me face to face and not from the back, if you call yourself a man, and i promise i will not turn and run. i will kick your fat face in and punch your fucking lights out.

i am

2006-01-31T01:27:00.000+08:00

a [literary meme] from [olimomok], who was inspired by [Mercer Machine]...

i am the baby you said that grandma didn't want to keep if she had turned out to be a boy. because three kids were too many to support, and you already had two sons. i am the baby you held in your arms, regardless of gender, that you had already decided not to give away.

i am the baby who was born your fattest and heaviest, yet ironically grew up to be the smallest. the one whom you always had to worry about not getting enough nutrition, the one you babied while taking extra care not to spoil.

i am the little sister, aged one, who clapped her hands in glee as she watched you do the same while standing next to the photographer in Toa Payoh Gardens. an old, discoloured photograph bearing the date holds the key to that precious flash of that earliest memory till today.

i am the daughter who felt truly special when you took her by her little hand and went to sit at your favourite coffeeshop to have tea together. the one who felt like a part of a privileged clan, as your friends fussed over her like uncles do. you poured tea into her saucer and taught her to drink from it, your paternal pride evident in your eyes.

i am the naughty monkey you always had to rescue from getting stuck in furniture or window grilles... the one who disrupts your cooking or ironing with her pathetic little wails for help, as she gets her head stuck in various contraptions time and again.

i am the sister who waited for you to come home from school everyday so you would play Ultima pompom animals with her... the one who made colourful little felt coats for the characters, and was disappointed when you weren't as excited as she was.

i am the sister you could never connect with, as your siblings played those silly little games. i am the one who would always argue with you, no matter what the subject was, the one who slowly began to understand you, when you let your guard down in recent years.

i am the grand-daughter who didn't cry when you passed away, because she was too young to understand the concept of death... the one for whom you have once walked to school to try and purchase a handicraft box made by her brother, which she had wanted with all her little heart. the art teacher did not allow it, but your action probably caused her first experience with feeling touched. i am the one who wishes she really knew who you were, before your life was claimed by alcohol.

i am the girl who was your best friend in primary three, just because her father was the disciplinary master. i am the one who, at a young age, had to start wondering who her true friends really were. i am the one you wrote letters to and shared girly secrets with, the one who learnt the truth two years later, the truth of what best friends should really be like.

i am the teenager who caused you much grief and worry. but as you stood in her school hall and received her results with her, you realised with a smile that she'd never wanted to disappoint you.

i am the student who smiled like an angel but did like the devil.

i am the mate you connected with in an instant, who distanced herself once because of peer pressure... the one who feels regret, and gratitude for the lasting friendship you have managed to build over the last 16 years. i am the one who has shared many gloriously happy moments with you, who would follow you to the pits of hell and back, willingly... the one who misses you as you travel the world with your fiance... the one who is currently writing down corny jokes to tell you, who will be here when you return.

i am the teenaged girlfriend who didn't quite like you enough but gave you a chance anyway... the one who broke it off and watched you as you cut your own arms with a penknife... who shouted at you for not valuing your own life, which was precisely the reason why she could not see eye to eye with you.

i am the team mate you knew you could rely on.

i am the distraction you had to give up, because your A levels were coming up and you needed to concentrate. i am the one who didn't believe you, but didn't see the point in pursuing the case.

i am the student you turned away because of your pride and vanity. the one whose destiny you changed by rejecting her entry into a course she has waited to do for four years. the one who qualified, but you personally disqualified because of your selfish reasons.

i am the master you loved, who loved you back with every inch of her being. the one whom you went to at the snap of her fingers, even though you were a bunny who should obey no such command. she would smack you hard when you did something wrong, and you would toss your little head defiantly even though you understood and learnt not to do it again. you rode on the bus with her, and saw the world from your little pink basket in her lap. i am the one you trusted, who had to let higher authorities take you away. and i am the brokenhearted who cried for you, many days after you were gone.

i am the young salesgirl earning her keep at your boutique, before her architecture course started. you never had kind words for anyone, but she appreciated the fact that you simply scolded her less than you did the others.

i am the girl who charmed your socks off so bad, you waited outside the building every night so you could send her home. the one whom you shared four years of your life with, who survived a long distance relationship with you. i am the one who flew 24 hours to see you (twice), the one that everyone thought would marry you, but left you instead.

i am the crazy friend who ignored your advice and dropped out of college to take a totally different route in life... the one who is glad she did what she did at the time, who will not be where she is today if she hadn't done that.

i am the girlfriend who convinced you to change the path you have chosen, to follow her to australia... the one you swore with, to take care of each other with... the one who drifted apart from you, and likewise, you from her.

i am the uni student who was always problematic but you never gave up on.

i am the hapless soul that you, you, you and you have once done harm to. and i am the one who has survived and looks on you with pity today.

i am the crew member who trusted you like a brother (and still does), who would dance 6 hours right beside you... who knew you so well she went and bought you a lava lamp you had reserved for yourself, without knowing you did. the world was alright, no matter how pear-shaped things got, so long as you were there with her.

i am the girlfriend you almost destroyed in your cruelty... the one whom you decided to change yourself for eventually, although too late. i am the one you took revenge against years later, the one you pretended to be friends with just to earn her trust. you may have ripped material value from her, but know that she is not crippled by you and your greed.

i am the best friend you loved for two years. no more, no less. i am the one who is still baffled by your behaviour, till today. i am the one whom you had let into your world, the one who shared her world with you too... and i am the one who wished we got to say goodbye.

i am the girl who broke your heart, without meaning to. i am the one who is sorry for making you the way you are today...

i am the student whom you had high hopes for, who did not fail you. i am the one who knew she had found her niche in the world, when she could give assistance to the weaker at last.

i am the housemate who fell out with you over the silliest household matters, with whom you finally worked out differences, and began a treasured friendship with.

i am the cat who has been your friend for the last 10 years, who limps to your couch for therapy when she is injured, or irritates the shit outta you when she is happy. i am the one who was hunched over scripts with you at the back of the class, instead of listening to her lecturers.

i am the dark kitten whom you have never turned away from, the one you share a friendship of unbreakable bonds with. i am the one who has physically sat in a pouring storm with you, drenched to the bone. i am the one for whom you brought a life-sized pikachu to melbourne, because it was her birthday present.

i am the girl who made you worry. i am the one whom you asked to rewrite your poetry.

i am the friend who can't wait for the two of you to get hitched, so she can get her ass back to melbourne for a visit... the one who used to skid on your living room floor for fun... the one whom you've seen the best and worst of.

i am the buddy who misses you everyday since leaving australia... i am the one who bounced upside down on your new bed and screamed profanities with you in crowded shopping malls for fun... i am the little weirdo who shared her deepest thoughts and fears, as well as her proudest moments with you... and hopes that one day soon, she will grin at strangers with candy buck teeth in her mouth from your van again.

i am the editor who gave her all to her work, but you failed to appreciate. i am the one who did everything within her power... and finally saw that it was all in vain.

i am the friend who sends emails to your tent to cheer you on as you sometimes run across some desert to raise funds for SPCA.

i am the colleague who is grateful for the support and friendship from you.

i am the leader who loves you, you and you... i am the one who hopes her team will love and respect each other continuously no matter what happens.

i am the daughter who came back to you, even though she was against living in this country. the one who would chat with you on long distance phone calls, till you had to hang up because it was getting too expensive and not because you ran out of things to say. i am the daughter who became your friend, who worried for you, who cried to a counsellor when you said you threatened suicide to her brother. i am the daughter who came home.

i am who i am, because of each and every one of you.

who are you?

first posted in the [canyon] on 25 Sep 2005.

possibility

2006-01-31T01:13:00.000+08:00

alright. i kinda like this place. i can have as many links as i want, unlike my livejournal. tweaking css doesn't seem all that hard, compared to livejournal's S1 and S2 systems. perhaps i will stick around here a little.

perhaps i will make this my thinking space.

perhaps this will be where i spill most of my thoughts, while that other place known as the [canyon] will continue to be my journal of food, adventure, friends and things.

perhaps i will not even have enough time to manage both, and this will die a slow/fast death.

we'll see.

:)

i wonder

2006-01-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

if i really should have more than 2 blogs?